These Phrases given by A Parent Which Helped Us when I became a Brand-New Father

"I think I was merely in survival mode for a year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of becoming a dad.

However the reality quickly turned out to be "very different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every nappy change… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he required support.

The straightforward words "You are not in a good place. You require support. How can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more accustomed to talking about the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a larger reluctance to communicate among men, who continue to internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall every time."

"It isn't a show of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to take a respite - going on a couple of days away, separate from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He came to see he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of looking after a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Even with having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad choices" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Advice for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are swamped, confide in a family member, your partner or a counsellor what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the things that helped you to feel like yourself before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the body - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their journeys, the difficult parts, along with the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the best way you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead offer the security and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to manage themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I wrote, on occasion I think my role is to guide and direct you on life, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."